I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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