I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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