White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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