Sorry, I don't speak sober.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
