careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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