My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He kissed a someone with a penis
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
