I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
