She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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