he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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