Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
