Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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