Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
