she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
