I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
you made out with another girl for some wings
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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