first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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