My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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