The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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