You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
