it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
