Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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