FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
