I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
