He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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