Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
