Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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