peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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