Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
