Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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