Will you blow on my dice?
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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