She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
