Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
