Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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