He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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