seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
