Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
