.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
