We're facebook friends in real life
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
