i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
