I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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