Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
