I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize