he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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