i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
