Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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