I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
