So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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