all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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