I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
