We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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