If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
