god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
