She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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