I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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