when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
