I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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