I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
