you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
