A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
