just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
