I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
