you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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