people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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