Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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