My pussy is not your playground.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
