and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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