I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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